CHECKLIST IN PROGRESS
Today, I had an EKG… as a 45-year-old. Spoiler alert: it was normal. This is what you do when you’re “preparing” for surgery. My mom just had to get an EKG at 75ish before her full knee replacement. But I’m pretty sure when I had a minor knee surgery at age 31 — I did not have to have an one. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten…
But nevertheless, I found myself sitting/laying, half-naked, thinking, Hmm, I know it’s a GOOD thing they check your heart before surgery. But this checklist is not small. And pre-op appointments make it feel much more real.
But then it was done. Super-quick! Normal. Nothing to see here. And walking out, I took note: this is the gift. To be here, at this moment, prepping for a surgery that’s about moving forward. To have the privilege of taking care of myself, even if it comes with more appointments & more forms. We’re doing it.
This past week, was filled with a variety of necessary tasks. I ordered my bloodwork from November ‘24 from my primary doctor to be sent to me - to forward to my surgeon’s office. I scheduled a psych evaluation to clear. And I ordered my latest doseage of zepbound (tirzepatide) jumping from a 2.5 dose to the 5 (which I just learned is on back-order, again!) I’ve been on 2.5 since January 2025. And now my husband, Jason, has been approved by our insurance as well - we’re very happy those bills - after insurance approval - dropped from approx $450/person, monthly, to $25-$50 / person, per month. The joy of being self employed and owning a business is insurance that you are constantly paying “through the nose” for everything, regardless.
It’s also worth noting that having a barrage of items to complete is absolutely triggering to the unsuccessful post-IVF patient in me. I did - so - much - for that. And was ultimately unsuccessful. So this FEELS - a lot - like that. And I definitely do not want a similar outcome.
My outcome hopes, goals and dreams for this undertaking are — winner take all. So pretty much anything less will feel, like, another, real loss. But we’re not here for that. We’re “in it to win it,” we’re “going big or going home” but like - that one doesn’t really work - because we are going the OPPOSITE of “big” and we DO plan to stay home, more, TO win. So that ONE doesn’t really work I guess. But you get the idea; I have arrived at this place after exhausting every other path. I have arrived at this place, at 45. I chose NOT to do this when the gyno - the regular gyno (NOT a fertility expert) - the regular gynocologist I saw just in PREPARATION for a check-up with a PLAN of getting pregnant at 36, before any piercing of the veil event had happened to us, said —
“you should really consider WLS now and you’ll have plenty of time for fertility treatment later.”
But I had gotten married at 34, bought a house at 35, and was 36, and that, at the time, felt really old in the land of fertility — before I knew better. And that was in the fall that, that guy told me to do that … and 3 months later in January I was pregnant naturally with no problems at all so I really showed him …
So you know - pursuing this at - 45 - feels like a big FU - to everyone involved - most of all to myself and to my dead daughter.
And that’s who I am now - that’s how I speak - that’s how my brain works.
But I also know that … that’s the shadow … and it’s time to step into the light!
Next up is the psych eval and finishing all the paperwork. One of the sheet has a long list of everything you’ve ever done to lose weight and I think I’m going to need to talk about THAT form, with the psychologist. I took a quick scan already and saw “phen-fen” (15 yrs old) and “south beach diet” (22 yrs old) and I can assure you — there is so much more to come!