IT’S JUST SELF-CARE
I saw my primary care physician (PCP) today - who I adore - and have seen for many many years. She actually said today - I feel like I’ve known you since high school but I know that can’t be right. And she’s right — she has pretty much, my entire life history. She sees my husband as well. We are in her care. And thank G-d! She’s the best!
I had to get updated labs and to get cleared - officially - for surgery. I also told her I had my psych eval tomorrow and she said, tell them to call me, I’ll vouch for you - haha! She' is funny. And she reminded me that I also have a sense of humor and that THAT is also what will help get me through this journey!
So I asked chat-gpt to give me a list of questions I should be asking - and it was LONG - then I asked chat-gpt to give me JUST the top 5 questions - AND I asked the Dr what questions I should be asking that I’m not (that’s one of my fave questions) … and the reality is that - this is just a tool. I will still have to do the work. But when she described what she felt the changes for me would be - carrying protein around with me, smaller meals, etc. - I KNEW I was on the right path - because I already do those things - and they don’t make a difference. I have done all the things, now, of course not super consistently, but even IN times of consistency, the results have never been sustainable. And so while I know a LOT has to change - I also know that a LOT already has - and that this is the path. I also know that in the midst of it getting really hard - I’m going to have to come back to this - and remind myself - WHY. Because nothing else is working. Because I’m worth it.
I also discussed all of my irrational fears with her - which I will not detail here - but - ya know - my head is a scary place. One of those fears is around all of the surgeries that will come after— skin removal etc.—and specifically—the drains! She said — “BETTER OUT THAN IN!” bwahahaha! And she is not wrong! She told me she says that about a lot of things in her practice to her patients (and I am pretty sure she doesn’t want me sharing this) but HER humor is really part of why her patients just luv her so much! I laugh, and cry, and then her office takes my blood and it’s all over.
A note on THAT by the way— as someone who is considered a “hard stick” when it comes to taking blood — and as someone who has been through IVF and various circumstances that require blood—I can assure you that I KNOW where THE vein is that should be used. Today they started on the other arm (the normal one to draw) and I just didn’t say anything, and then they had to dig around, and I should just always make them go to the spot I know works. Always. B/c as soon as they switched to the spot and the side that I know works - I didn’t even feel the butterfly needle go in! Always speak up and advocate for yourself. I usually do but today I just thought, eh, maybe it’ll be fine. But, no.
So tomorrow we have the psych eval. And then I think I’ll be ready to submit EVERYTHING for insurance approval. We are not anticipating any problems there b/c I have all the things - high blood pressure, sleep apnea c-pap user, and while not diagnosed as such, I am sure I am right on the border of insulin resistant. In addition to the actual number of my weight. I definitely don’t need additional medical justification. We anticipate that clearance taking approx 3-4 weeks and then the scheduling department will call me to get it on the books!
In the meantime, I’m just working on vitamin consistency, walking more, and mental preparation and visualization. It doesn’t feel real, AND it feels like the most important thing I am doing in life right now.