“WEIGHT LOSS ATTEMPTS”

PAGE 1 of the paperwork I have to fill out is titled “Weight Loss Attempts” —

Program Name, Year, # of months, and Weight Lost.

What I can tell you is that in any singular attempt, the most I ever lost at one time was approx 50lbs and that the most successful paths to rapidly “good” numbers in weightloss were most recently - Whole30 - and when I was approx 15 years old - which was back in 1994 b/c they made me do that math — phen-fen. I mean, it worked. I didn’t say it was healthy - just that it worked. I did ALL. Which is what I’ve always said. But apparently I didn’t do it ALL - because they give you an actual list - you know - to help jog your memory.

And here’s what it said:

1. Acupuncture

2. Atkins

3. Behavor Modification

4. Exercise

5. Herbal Life

6. High Protein

7. Jenny Craig

8. Lindora

9. Low Carbohydrates

10. Medi-Fast/Optivia

11. Nutri System

12. Nutritionist

13. Phen-Fen

14. Physician Directed Diet

15. Prescribed Medication

16. Weight Watchers

17. Self-monitored Diets

18. Keto

19. Paleo

20. Fasting

21. South Beach

22. Vegan

23. Mediterranean

24. Vegetarian

25. Whole30

    So I considered giving you the whole history in chart form, but that seems like a lot to put on the internet. Suffice it to say - here are my takeaways—

    First of all, seeing the list is overwhelming. Because if you’re having this surgery - you have done almost all of these things - and to be confronted with your life’s efforts in a simple, but long list, like this, is - a lot.

    Second of all, I never lost more than 50lbs in a single effort.

    Third, I started in the 5th grade on Jenny Craig and vividly remember unwrapping my pizza bagel ish thing from it’s carefully wrapped foil by my Mom in my lunch. She went to a lot of effort to make it look homemade like a regular part of my lunch. The 5th grade. the 5th grade. the 5th grade. FOR REAL? But ya, for real. B/c I grew up around Orange County and I vividly remember that I could not wear clothes - or dance costumes more importantly - that other girls could wear.

    Then, I mentally ran through from 10 in the 5th grade to 16 yrs old - when I was a Junior in high school on phen-fen. I was always hustling and late to 1st period English — where I would break out into cold sweats in the freezing foggy early mornings. But man that shit worked and I loved it. Only time will tell if taking it really damaged my heart. My ekg said THAT was perfectly fine. That was also a trip. I drove myself - with my Mom - down PCH - to Newport Beach - to Hoag Hospital actually - or offices connected to Hoag. All I knew at that age was that we turned left onto Superior and went up the hill (IYKYK). If you don’t know what Hoag is - let’s just say - women who go to L&D and deliver there have ocean views from their private rooms. I think I even knew that, then. But I digress — phen-fen worked and I was really happy at the start of my senior year - with the clothes that I could wear. But I remember by our senior trip - a carnival cruise to mexico - that I did not really fit into a black dress that was a size 14 - then - durving the calvin klein CK1 ad days of the 90s.

    And lastly, I had completely forgotten about things like the south beach diet … and was STILL doing things like the mediterranean diet (for fertility) and whole30, like VERY recently.

    I knew this had been lifelong for me.

    But being confronted with what “lifelong” actually means is an entirely different kind of thing.

    So, we’re doing this thing.

    I just sent off the latest email containing —

    1. Initial paperwork packet (see above, obv)

    2. Most recent labs from my primary dr. (+ that ekg)

    3. Notification of a scheduled psych evaluation

       1. I also let them know I have updated labs scheduled - you have to stay within 6 mo’s

    4. Notification of completion of the post-op nutrition zoom

And this is where we are now. I keep mentally trying to work it out. Not really how did we get here - b/c that I’m well aware of. But more — why. Why is this my actual physical burden to bear? Why me? And I really don’t know if that’s normal thinking or not. Until now… it’s been a whine, and a plea - WHY ME?!!

But now, it’s a question - why me? What - WHAT - am I going to learn on the other side of this - or in the conquering - or the pursuit of the conquering - that I - MUST - learn. Why me? A pondering … not a plea.

I am done with the “weight loss attempts.” This is not an attempt. I am conquering this. There is no way around it anymore. Must go straight through.

Attempts belong to the past. What’s ahead is mine to conquer—and this time, I’m not stopping for doubt or anything else. This isn’t page one of another attempt. It’s page one of something entirely different. And I’m ready to write it.